Assistance Pages > Dealing with Grief

Its Alright to Cry!

Whenever we are confronted by loss, particularly the loss of bereavement we experience one of the strongest human emotions - that of grief. When someone who has shared part of our life dies, whether a family member or a close friend, the emotions we feel can leave us desolate and confused. This is normal. It happens to everyone, and its quite alright to feel emotionally devastated.

Grief is a natural response to a significant loss. It is not just a temporary state of mind - it is a whole process that may take years to work through.

How well we handle and understand this will determine whether the loss will completely overwhelm us and how we find the ability to cope. Many people find it difficult to grieve in today's society but we can grow as human beings if we are allowed to grieve fully.

There are several stages in the grieving process incorporating a number of physical, emotional and mental states. With some people, these stages are quite distinct - with others they are not. Some people work their way through it in a sequence, others struggle and move forward, then seem to go backwards as they 'work through' the process.

Shock / Disbelief

Shock is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. Often, death is met with total disbelief if it is sudden.

Shock is the body's way of coping with traumatic situations in life. It is a period that allows us time to gather our resources to cope with the subsequent grief reactions.

Emotional Release: IT'S ALRIGHT TO CRY!

Often, we are unable to contain the intense emotion that the loss has created. It is natural for that emotion to find release through crying. Many men find it difficult to cry because they have been brought up to believe that it isn't 'manly'. But holding in our emotions can make the recovery process more difficult. We won't lose control or our sanity if we cry. It is a natural and healthy reaction.

Loneliness (Feeling Low)

Almost everyone feels loneliness and a sense of complete separation from the person who is no longer alive. We feel really low in spirit; and don't know what to do or where to go to find relief.

It is important to realise that this is normal. It's alright to feel low and alone, even if we have plenty of family and friends around to support us.

Physical Symptoms of Distress

The pressure of coping with bereavement may sometimes cause our bodies to react with headaches, backaches, asthma or sometimes illness. Sometimes this can even reflect the symptoms of the deceased. A visit to the doctor may be wise, but often it is just nature's way of telling us to 'take is easy' for a while.

Pining - (Unable to cope with today)

Memories and the time that we shared with the deceased preoccupy us - nothing else seems to give comfort!

Many people fear that they may be going 'crazy' with their grief, but this is a normal human reaction. This is part of the recovery process which will help us through. Now is the time to reach out to other people. It's often not that easy to do but it is important to consider this.

Relief

Many people closely involved with the person who was ill for some time before death can find themselves emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

For many, there is a feeling of relief that the deceased's pain and suffering has finally ended. It is alright to feel relieved - it is quite normal. It is important to accept the relief without feeling guilty.

Sense of Guilt

When we have lost someone dear to us, many of us take on the blame for what has happened.

"But I only spoke to him yesterday!"...." If only I had been there!"..... " I could have stopped her driving that night!". These are all typical reactions to death and are quite normal.

Whether real or imagined, all feelings of guilt hurt the ones who are grieving. It is important not to take the blame for something out of our control.

Anger

As we gradually turn our feelings away from ourselves, many of us experience intense anger towards the person who has died. (How could he leave me like this?), towards the medical profession (Why didn't the doctors save her?), and even towards God (If he is a loving God, how could he let him/her die?). It is alright to feel angry. It is quite normal and important not to suppress these feelings. It is also important to not let our anger get out of control but to express it in a constructive way.

If possible sharing these feelings with a compassionate listener will help.

Inability to return to normal activities

Although now through the worst of the emotional upheaval, it is still difficult to return to normal activity. We may become apathetic and lacking in energy, but this isn't permanent.

It does help if we can share our memories with others by talking about the life and death of the deceased.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Gradually we can start picking up the threads of some activities we enjoyed before and try to re-establish a life that has some meaning.

Welcome back

At last, life becomes bearable again. We can 're-join the human race', although we will never be the same as before. It is now important to access enough self-esteem to recognise our own capabilities and strengths, as well as having faith in others to help us cope, while returning to everyday life.

Don't be afraid to ask for help

The feelings and emotions associated with grief may happen in any order - some may go unrecognised, while others will not apply to everyone.

It may be helpful to talk to someone with training in the area of grief. There are experienced bereavement counsellors available which your funeral director or clergy can refer you to.

How to help those who are grieving

Grieving people need someone to listen to them and help provide the care, encouragement and support they require to help re-establish their lives. Just one or several people may be involved in this process.

Some of their most important needs are:

• to feel support

• to face the reality of the situation

• to express feelings

• to move towards re-establishment of normal living patterns

In other words:

To help a friend in grief

We need to be:

• Aware - Working through grief is a normal and necessary part of life that can take years.

• There - We can't solve this problem but be just around to support will help.

• Sensitive - Our friends have suffered a deep loss, even if we don't see it as such. We need to journey with them through their pain, not try to take it away.

• Human - We need to allow our friend to openly express all their feelings, without judging them. Nobody needs to justify their feelings - they are quite normal!

• Ready - To listen, even when the same story is told over and over again. Talking about the deceased is a vital step towards recovery.

• Patient - Mourning and loss of a loved one takes time.